As Impacted Family & Friends, we mean well. We’re human, after all. We want to do everything we can to support and protect our loved ones. We want them to be safe.

Sadly, that typically translates into fear driven control. We are the last to see that and unfortunately, we may not “see” it until it’s too late and we have done irreparable harm to the very ones we were trying to support.

So, how do we recognize our own destructive behavior and when we do, how can we change it?

First, it takes a willingness to admit we need to amend our behavior, then we have to become extremely open to information that can help and then, toughest of all, we need to adopt a life-or-death commitment to change. Sound radical? Not really. Not if our fear driven control is pushing our loved one away from us, perhaps forever.

We mean well, we do, and we can do good, we can, but – big BUT – if we admit and accept that perhaps we have been hostage to fear driven control, we must change ourselves, not our loved one and then we really can do good.

So, where to begin?

Self-evaluation Exercise:

1. Have I been rationalizing that my behavior is loving, when if I’m honest, I’ve really been trying to control their every move (under the guise of helping them stay safe)?

2. What am I afraid will happen if I “let go” of this control (they might attempt suicide again, they might go back to drugs or alcohol, etc.)?

3. Have I been so controlling/dominating that my loved one is totally dependent upon me? If I “let go,” am I afraid they will leave?

WORKSHEET EXERCISE:

If we were at a workshop roundtable, we’d all discuss this. Working at home, open up that notebook, journal or laptop and let your fingers do the talking.

Love is not control.

So let’s add another wrinkle into the conversation:

1. Why do you get angry?

2. Why do you get angry, upset, annoyed when your loved wants to do something new, or different, or without you? Or actually does do any or all of that but didn’t ask “permission”?

Trying to control another person is a set up for nightmare of emotional and verbal battles, one after the other. That takes a terrible toll on everyone. And that is not love.

WORKSHET EXERCISE:

So, let’s talk about this, open a notebook, laptop and journal it out.

Fear + Control does not = Love.